


Nobody said it was Easy, Nobody said it'd be this Hard

by Hatterwhowrites



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Cisco has a lot of feelings, Cisco's feelings matter, Episode: s03e07 Killer Frost, after episode 7, borders on anti barry, character death Dante Ramon, death mention, reaction fic, spot the secret star wars reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 05:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8699959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hatterwhowrites/pseuds/Hatterwhowrites
Summary: The after Killer Frost fic no one asked for...where Cisco kicks Barry out of his apartment and then just...emotions. Meaning Cisco's thought won't leave him alone as he tries to sleep. Ponders over Barry's timeline mishaps involving Dante's death, Caitlin going killer frost and reconsiders his own possibility of going darkside...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Scientist: Coldplay
> 
> The after Killer Frost fic no one asked for...
> 
> Also I'm not anti-Barry. I love Barry. I just tried writing this from how I thought Cisco was feeling and how his emotions are towards Barry.

Cisco shut the door to his apartment behind him, letting out a heavy sigh. He just wanted the day to be over. He wanted it to be over and to sleep. Because sleep was good. Sleep had no revelations about friends who inadvertently got brothers killed. Or best friends who turn evil and try to kill you. Or H.R.. Or mini strokes. Actually he wasn't sure on that last one. He'd have to ask Caitlin at some point. His head still hurt a little from creating the breach. Aspirin sounded like a good idea. Aspirin and sleep.  

            He walked into the kitchen and stopped. Barry was standing by the stove cooking. A frying pan was going, cooking meat and there was a cutting board on the counter, littered with lettuce, cheese and tomato pieces. Barry was in full on cook mood.

            And Cisco wanted nothing to do with it.

            He couldn't take the smile Barry sent his way. He couldn't fake it. He didn't know how. He just...didn't know. Cisco looked at him tired. The food smelled good, but Cisco wasn't hungry. He was pretty sure Barry had made tacos. It smelled like tacos. Normally Cisco loved tacos, but he just wasn't in the mood.

            His plan was aspirin and sleep. Aspirin and sleep. Aspirin and sleep. But there Barry was in the middle of his kitchen, with a small hopeful smile on his face. Foiling all Cisco's plans of a direct line to his bed. Cisco stared at Barry with a blank expression.

            "Hey," Barry greeted. Cisco said nothing. "I, uh, I made dinner, if you're-"

            "You need to go." Cisco said. His voice sounded tired. He sighed and looked down at the ground.

            Barry's expression fell. He looked at Cisco sadly. He should have known. He should have, but he'd hoped. Hoped Cisco wouldn't mind him staying with him still. Apparently he'd hoped wrong. "I, um," Barry struggled to form words.

            "Now Barry," Cisco snapped looking up. The anger he'd felt at the revelation of Dante's death returned. He needed to get Barry out of his sight as soon as possible. Barry needed to not be in Cisco's apartment. He needed to be gone. He needed Barry out. Cisco could remember poking Barry in the chest and pushing him away. But there Barry was in his apartment. In his apartment and cooking dinner, acting like nothing was wrong. Like they were still best buds. Still...something. But no. No, Cisco didn't know. Cisco didn't... "I can't-I can't take this. You can't be here."

            Barry nodded. He looked down at the ground. He was holding a plate in his hand and set it on the counter. "I made tacos."

            Cisco sighed. "Please leave."

            At Star he could handle it. He could put on the brave face and accept Barry's actions and be around him for the time he needed to be. Have as little interaction as possible and focus on his work. Cisco could be professional. His apartment was a different story. It was his space. His home. Cisco needed his space and his home to be _his._ He needed to be alone.

            "Ok, I'll go, if that's what you want." Barry said moving to leave the kitchen. There Barry was again, hoping. Hoping his friend didn't completely hate him. Hoping for a scenario and reaction that wasn't going to happen.

            Cisco had to bite down the urge to blurt out his initial response. _"Of course that's what I want. I wouldn't be saying it otherwise. What I really want is my brother back. I want my best friend not to have gone back in time and screwed with my life. I want my family back."_ He couldn't bring himself to say any of those things. He couldn't. He wanted to, but part of Cisco knew, it hadn't been Barry's intention. But he was still mad. It still hurt. It hurt a lot. And Barry needed to know.

            Barry needed to go.

            Instead Cisco simply nodded saying, "I can't be around you right now, Barry."

            Barry nodded. "I'll just get my stuff." He went to retrieve his belongings.   

            Cisco shook his head, walked over to the door and opened it. "Just go." His voice was a pained whisper.

            Looking over with a hurt expression of shock Barry nodded again. He walked over to the door, and stood by Cisco's side. He looked at Cisco with that same hopeful sad expression he'd used earlier in Cisco's workshop. "You're still my best friend, Cisco," Barry said. It was the same tone in his voice as before as well. "I hope, we can be okay, eventually." He'd stepped outside of the apartment as he spoke.

            Cisco had to stop himself from laughing. He could tell he was going to cry again, but he did his best to stop it. He did his best not to show his emotions, other than anger and indifference. Because he didn't know. He didn't know if he wanted to be Barry's friend anymore. That's how much he hurt him. Friend's didn't hurt one another like this. Were they friends anymore? Or were they now just two guys who worked together.

            He let out a sigh and began to close the door, "goodbye Barry." He said, voice monotone. The door shut on Barry's face, letting Cisco only see a glimmer of the hurt expression on his face. Barry should have known.

            With the door closed Cisco turned so his back was too it. He sighed hitting his head off the back of his door. It was fine, Barry was gone. It was good. He had his space back. His home was his. He could carry on with the aspirin and sleep plans.

            Cisco didn't have to deal with Barry again. At least until tomorrow, at Star. Even then, he could call in sick or take the day off. Cisco didn't have to go...but he did. Wally had powers now. And Caitlin. And all his work. And Cisco just generally loved Star Labs. From the first day he stepped foot inside the building, Cisco was amazed and loved it there. Even with Hartley's dickish welcoming. It just felt like another home, Cisco hadn't been aware he'd been missing. Not going to Star labs would be hard, if he decided to.

            Pushing himself away from the door, Cisco wandered back into the kitchen in a sluggish manner. He stopped looking at Barry's mostly cooked tacos. His stomach growled but, he wasn't hungry. He felt too drained to bring himself to eat, but knew he had to. Caitlin would lecture him otherwise if he didn't. Cisco went through the motions of turning off the burner and making himself a couple of tacos. He ate them. He tried not to think about how it had been Barry who made them. Barry who'd gone back in time, created an alternate timeline, and then decided he preferred the old one better and came back. Barry whose changes to the timeline had probably had something to do with Dante's death. Cisco only managed to eat one and half of the tacos before he couldn't bring himself to eat anymore. He threw out the remains.

            He continued to go through the motions. Changing into his pyjamas. Brushing his teeth. Getting water for the aspirin. Getting the aspirin. Taking it. Crawling into bed. Pulling up the covers. Lying there starting at the ceiling.

            His mind wouldn't be quiet. It wouldn't let him just ignore everything. It wouldn't. His train of thought kept switching between how Dante was gone and it was Barry's fault, to Caitlin going Killer Frost and trying to kill him. The thoughts plagued him and sleep wasn't looking to be the comfort he'd hoped.

            Cisco feared from the minute Caitlin revealed to him she had powers. He feared it. He remembered. She'd told him she could never become Killer Frost, -the Killer Frost would never exist on their earth, but she had. She had. She had even said it herself. _"My name is Killer Frost."_ It echoed inside his head in her frosty voice. And she had tried to hurt him. It had been a lie. She'd gone dark side. At least dark enough to try and kill Cisco, Barry and threaten other people.

            She'd been afraid. She'd been afraid it would happen and it had happened. It happened, she'd gone dark side.

            And if she went dark side, what was stopping him from going dark side? Cisco had been afraid just like Caitlin. He had worried and panicked just like Caitlin. He had hid and not used his powers, just like she had. But she'd still gone dark side. Caitlin had told him she was afraid, Cisco had told her it wouldn't happen.

            Cisco had been afraid. He'd told Barry. Barry had said it wouldn't happen, that he could never be Reverb.

            But what if he could? What if it was still just waiting to happen? How could he trust Barry's word, when he couldn't trust his own?

            Barry had said he'd never become Vader.

             But Barry...Barry had used his own powers to alter the timeline for his needs. And he'd refused when Cisco had asked to go back and save Dante. Numerous times. Barry who said he was his best friend. Cisco didn't know if they even were friends. How could he be friends when Barry had done what he did. While Barry played with the timeline for his own means. But wouldn't help him? Wasn't that in a way Barry himself going dark side? Just a very selfish version of it?  

            Maybe power crazy Cait wasn't all that off with what she said. Or maybe Cisco just missed his brother.

            He closed his eyes and tried to stop his mind from thinking. The 'what if' thoughts wouldn't stop. He tried to stop the remerging fears of becoming his doppelganger. But they wouldn't go away. Cisco remembered the whole encounter clear in his mind. He could hear Reverb saying _"you could be a god. We could be gods."_

            Cisco didn't want to be a god. He just wanted his brother back.

            He remembered Barry telling him how Savitar had said he was god. At the time he hadn't put it together. Lying there trying to sleep Cisco noticed it. Barry had played with the timeline like it was his own personal toy. He'd acted like he was a god. But Barry wasn't a god. Barry was just a hurt speedster who missed his parents. So he went back in timeline so they could live...for a little while. And because of that...Dante was killed.

            Barry could say he was sorry all he wanted. He could feel bad for as long as he did. He could try and be Cisco's friend. But it wouldn't change things. It wouldn't bring Dante back. Nothing could.

            And Barry would try. Barry would try to insist they're friends. He'd ask if they were okay. And Cisco would remain without an answer.

            He still didn't know how to feel completely. Angry. He felt angry. He felt betrayed. He felt pain. He felt a whole lot of things at once in a giant mess of emotions.

            He missed his brother. He missed his friend.

            He didn't want to believe Barry had done it. _"Was she lying?"_ But he had. Barry had meddled with time and in return it had cost Cisco.

            And all Barry seemed to care about was...were _they_ okay. Not Cisco.

            Cisco had poked at him and pushed him. He had stopped him from saying he was sorry, because was he? Was he really sorry when he hadn't even told him? Or had Barry just not wanted to Cisco to know? Had Barry planned to keep it a secret forever? So Cisco never found out and wouldn't be mad at him. Cisco had been in tears and Barry had just stood there.

            He didn't know how to feel...

            Cisco tried to tell his mind to shut up. He was tired. He tried and he tried and he tried. Tried to stop thinking. The thoughts kept coming. More and more. It just wouldn't stop. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. Trying to will himself to sleep. No. No more. Sleep.

            He wanted to sleep. He wanted to forget. He wanted the day to be done. For it all to just stop and to pretend things were still normal. Dante wasn't dead. Caitlin didn't have powers and didn't go dark side, temporarily. Barry didn't have anything to do with Dante and the timeline was fine. And things were good and...

            _"Francisco."_

            He sat bolt upright staring ahead of him into the darkness of his room. His hair fell in front of face and he looked around panicked. "That's no vibe." He said to thin air.  

            _"Cisco?"_ A new eerily familiar voice called.

            Cisco's chest hurt. He knew that voice. But it wasn't possible. It wasn't...

            "Dante?" He whispered. A mix of hope and hurt resting in his chest.  

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: Iris ends up coming and getting Barry's stuff and she and Cisco chat about how Cisco's feeling...


End file.
